I've moved

I am sad to say goodbye to neversaynever. It has been a really good friend to me, a constant through such turmoil, a much needed outlet, and a way to keep in touch. But the change is good, now everything is in one place and I am enjoying the new hobbies it fosters.

Leave a comment and I will send you the new address,

"It could be a lot worse."

I always hate when people say, "It could be a lot worse." as a response to my sharing of life's troubles. It irritates me and makes me feel like they are marginalizing what I am actually feeling. BUT I learned this week that, in fact, that is a very true statement. BUT while it is very true, please don't say it to me...it only puts you on the list of "surfaced conversation only." :) I don't think any of my friends actually say that though, thankfully.

In a nutshell, life as I know it this week was living through the worst job in the universe, marriage drama/breakdown at its finest, taking my dad to the hospital for the last of his tests, and a mental breakdown-literally. Add in hours and hours of nonstop crying--shake it up a little and you have me in January. All very pleasant things.

As I am about to leave my Dad's house on Thursday morning and head into work, my mind is running and running, as it has been for the past few weeks. I suppose I am not thinking too clearly because I locked my purse and phone in his house. After a few shits, son-of-bitch, and f**cks, I decide to walk around back to check if any of the doors are open down there. I must have neglected to notice that the driveway was a sheet of ice and as you can imagine---down i went--hard. really hard. it felt like the thud could be heard around the world. I laid there flat, covered in snow, unable to comprehend what had just happened...thinking I could die here just like those people did in the Andes--no one will know...ridiculous thoughts, but it was the first thing to come in my head. THEN---it hit me what had happened and I lost it. It was that one thing that pushed me to and over the edge. There was some crazy crying that perhaps the whole world did hear, but were too scared to come running and check what the hell it was. It was a girl at the end of her rope who wishes upon wishes that she could back things up one year and be back in cozy CO. I rolled to my side and crawled up the grass to my car. Turned my car on and realized that I had no gas and no money. More tears. Somehow I made it to work and spent the rest of the day letting my kids kill each other and attached to an ice pack on my leg/ass. The best part was when I woke up yesterday and realized I couldn't move my arm...I must have caught myself with that arm (just happens to be the already bad shoulder). My chiropractor couldn't believe it and kind of stood their with his mouth open. I see him 2x's a week so he knows more about my life than most people-when I added on the fall on my bad arm he looked at me and said: "You really need to ice this, like 24 hours ago...and hey, I am going to put up a few to the Big Guy for you."

So it can get worse and most likely will. That is a lesson learned. Putting up a few to the Big Guy myself is about all I can do at this point and perhaps that in and of itself is the point.

Thanks to Jen

I can post something. I can't find the words to post about the reality of my life right now, but i can think of 6 quirky things about myself. Thank you Jen for the distraction.

1. I believe that ketchup (specifically Heinz organic) makes nearly every food taste better.

2. I need to have water, a tissue, chap stick, and hand lotion by my bed in order to fall asleep. I never really need to use any of those things, but feel it is necessary to have them, just in case I get thirsty etc. in the middle of the night.

3. I feel accomplished by watching everything I have taped on my DVR and erasing it clean.

4. I have this strange ability (we can call it a superhero power or a mental illness--it all depends on how you look at it) to take on any disease that I have read about, heard about or someone I know is suffering from. My earliest memory was around 10 when I told my dad I had all of the symptoms of prostate cancer and I must see a doctor now! You can imagine my dad trying to explain to me that it would be impossible for me to have it, but I had seen the symptoms on the news and was convinced. I have made myself have so many awful symptoms to various illnesses and seen plenty of doctors who all say the same thing to me: anxiety.


5. I went to Walmart the other day to pick up Velcro and magnets for my classroom. I haven't been to Walmart in close to 7 years. I despise the store and all it stands for so I walked in with a mission and refused to get a cart or a basket. I headed directly towards the craft section, but was distracted by 100 calorie packs that seemed to be over a dollar cheaper than Target, then there was $0.99 salsa (the large bottle) and so on...you can only imagine what happened next. I was taken by the big evil store. I was embarrassed as items flowed over my arms, and I kept saying, just one more thing. I nearly ran to the checkout hoping no one would spot me giving in to "the man." I immediately threw the evidence (shopping bags) away the second I got home and promised to go to Michaels next time I need craft supplies.


6. I am a computer nerd. I started to take the one to one sessions at the Apple store and felt like I was floating on cloud 9 when I was done. I get really jazzed about learning new things on my computer...soon--the blog is moving and the web page is almost complete.

There you have it, I did my best to keep it light.

I now tag Jessi, Erin,Lauren , and i am re-tagging Devan to give her an extra nudge.

Yes!!!

I can feel my deep ugly depression lifting with the possibility of putting my time and energy into something I truly believe in.

hoping and dreaming again

What a wonderful Christmas I had. Scott and I had a fabulous Christmas party at our house with some of our favorite people. New folks that we have met since moving to Pittsburgh and old friends we have been reacquainted with. I was able to spend lots of time with my dad during Christmas and the second half of the week with my mom and Scott's family in Harrisburg. Scott's brother got married in Harrisburg, which happens to be where my mom and sister live. Scott and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary, strangely enough the night of his brother's rehearsal dinner. Scott's parents made it really special for us and got us a beautiful cake and made a big deal of it. I will say that we did eat and drink too much, people always say that you will do that during the holidays and it sure did prove true this year.

We are back home now. I cried in the shower this morning thinking about what the next 6 months holds for me, wondering how I am going to make it through completing the year at school. The new year of 2008 is making me emotional as well. I just read my entry from last year this time here.
What has changed since I wrote this list, have I honored it and myself? Have I let other people in? Not lived out of fear? Not worried? (well i know i failed at that one...) It is a lot to think that an entire year has passed and while a lot has changed in terms of location, how much has changed inside?

Then to make matters worse, I just saw "P.S. I Love You" (I haven't cried in a movie like that since "Beaches" or "Steel Magnolias" and it wasn't just me, Scott was the full waterworks as well) and that has pushed the emotions through the roof. I don't even know where to put all of the feelings or how to sort them out.

I suppose I am sad because I feel that life goes by so very quickly and I am always wanting it to go faster because I am so very unhappy with it. I know that is wrong, that I should treasure every moment, that I am blessed with my husband, family, and friends. I know this, but it is hard to see through when I am participating in 10 hours of something i hate every single day.

In the movie, "P.S. I love you," Hillary Swank's character says to her husband something along the lines of... "she is feeling like she is always waiting for her life to start, waiting for a job she loves, waiting for a bigger apartment, waiting for enough money to have a child." Her husband responds, "that their life is now, it has already started." So in response, I can do one of two things. Quit this God-awful job as Hillary Swank does in the movie (in fact, she quits many, she says she can't work for incompetent people...mmm sounds familiar.) or I can say, "this is my life now. I work in a place where children throw chairs, have parents in jail, know at least one person who has been shot, and can't read." I am not going to be all noble about it. I have already accepted that I am not Hillary Swank in "Freedom Writers" or Michelle Pfeiffer in "Dangerous Minds," I am not going to change the course of inner city education as we know it. That is fine, and I still have 2 choices. At some point, I just need to decide.

In the meantime, I have done a dangerous thing. I have started dreaming again. Dreaming of new occupations, new creative outlets, new places to call home, new adventures to be taken, new businesses to open...I have huge dreams again and what the hell...if it all goes to shit as the last two have, I can at least cross it off of my list, and everyone knows how much i love to do that! :) I am also dreaming of political change...while I haven't said much the past few months, it is because I was sitting back and listening, and I have to say, I am still an "Obama Mama!," even though I never got the t-shirt. :)

Stay tuned...a new year calling for a new space for my blog.

5 years

It is hard to believe. In just a few days it will be 5 years since we said, "I do." Somedays it feels much longer, while others it seems like we lived in our first apartment in Colorado yesterday. I am grateful that we have pushed through these 5 years because as many of you know, it has had its difficult moments. There have been such lovely times though and I cherish all of them. I am excited to see what the next 5 years has in store for us...perhaps an addition to the family...??? ; )



2002



2007

What was I thinking...

taking 19 children to a hockey game where there would be 17,000 other people?

I suppose there was that last bit of hope in me that thought I could give them an "experience," I could give them my Friday night, a chance to see Pittsburgh, and a Penguin's hockey game. I wanted to give them something that they would otherwise not have. But it was foolish. They were crazy. One child ran away from me. literally. I couldn't believe it and then he thought it would be funny to hide so I couldn't find him. hilarious.

They don't have much understanding of social cues. I am not sure where or when that is taught to a person. Things such as personal space, courtesy, manners...they were so very rude to those around us, there were moments where I wanted to disappear. Thankfully Scott joined the madness and was able to handle the boys needing to go to the bathroom 13 million times. He also saved me during the national anthem, one student felt the need to stand on his chair because he couldn't see and got his foot stuck. He was screaming and crying and I couldn't get it out. I looked down the row at Scott with that, "help me" look and he came to the rescue. He crawled on the floor and unwedged the child's foot and then held him. Thankfully he was there to comfort him because I wanted to strangle him.

Scott was exhausted. I think he did a great job, but what I told him was this: imagine that this is the 10 best kids from each class and I have been with all of them since 8:00 this morning. In that time I have had, yet a again, a chair thrown at me, been screamed at, and (this is a new one) scratched by a student because I was was going to call the principal after she threw all of her table mate's items on the floor. I say this not to brag in any way, shape, or form, but to say I have hit a breaking point. I cried 3 times in the bathroom yesterday. I just don't know how much more I can do...

At least I have a bit of time off to sort out the rest of my life and hopefully see the situation clearer.

fast, faster, and fastest

Those are the speeds of my last few days. It is only Tuesday evening and yet it seems so long ago that I was taking a lazy train ride across PA.

The weekend was very enjoyable, I love spending time with my mom. We baked and shopped, two very lovely things. I also love to be alone and spent 4 and half hours on a train doing just that. It was fabulous. While I did busy myself for parts of it, there was time for the much needed reflection that I have spoken of before.

I realized that the last time I took a train ride, I was headed to see my friend Jen in NYC. It was the beginning of August. I had just realized that cleaning people's crap out of their basement with the title, professional organizer, wasn't exactly the dream job I had hoped it would be. I had also received a call the day before from the principal of my current school asking me to reconsider the job they had offered and I had turned down. I spent much of the train ride there calling various people and trying to get the advice I needed to feel okay about making a decision. Once in New York, I picked Jen's brain and then tried to come to a peaceful decision on my own. This next part is etched in my memory so vividly, I will never forget it. It was after we returned to her apartment from seeing "The Color Purple," I stayed outside to return the principal's phone calls. I was sitting on Jen's front steps talking to the principal and giving him my long list of questions. It was super warm summer afternoon as I sat there listening to him, answering every question as if he knew what I wanted to hear. He pulled at my heart strings of wanting to serve the poor, he told me that his staff understands boundaries and they work their 8 hours and are done, he shared with me that it really wouldn't be a big deal that I have never taught in the inner-city nor have I ever taught 2nd grade (a huge jump from suburban 5th grade). I stared at the garbage cans on the side of the steps thinking, contemplating and then said (exactly these words), "Okay, I am sold. You talked me into it. I will take the job." What he didn't tell me was that all of the above were lies, I would never have any contact with him after that conversation because he isn't my actual boss, and that I should never be "talked into" a job.

So here I am. Another day of running around crazy, trying to keep my classroom from an explosion. Nearly 6 months later and still just trying to keep my head above water.

I wish I could share the details of my horrendous day, but some is redundant and others are better told in person. What I can share is the 20 minutes in between a morning and an afternoon of hell that was really incredible.

Today was the winter celebration at my school and parents could come in to help students create gingerbread houses, eat lunch with them, and a variety of other activities. My kids were broken up into 3 sections. I ended up eating with the 2nd group and in particular one little boy who didn't have any adult come to eat with him. As I got my food, he was anxiously waving me over to him.
I sat down to eat my spaghetti (it has to show some depth of love that I am going so far as to eat cafeteria style spaghetti).
"Mmmmm, this spaghetti is good," he says and looks up at me with these big brown eyes that I haven't seemed to notice before.
"It is, isn't it," I reply (a little white lie never hurt anyone).
This leads into a discussion of his favorite foods. He likes Taco Bell and curly fries. I ask where he likes his curly fries from and he looks at me a bit crazy and says, "Foodland." in a way that says, "as if there is anywhere else."
It is quiet for a second then the 5th and 6th graders get up on stage to sing carols. HIs face lights up. They start to sing, "Deck the Halls." He looks at me and says, "I love this one," turns to face the stage and belts it out with the choir.

I nearly melted. It is hard to describe how different it is when you get to be one on one with a child. 20 is a lot, especially if 6 or 7 of them decide it is their job to take all of your attention by acting the fool. This is why I am hoping that my hockey game adventure this Friday night will let me see a different side of a few of my students. I really hope my lunch buddy makes good choices tomorrow and can earn one of the 10 precious tickets because I would really like to get to know him better.

a dream

I woke up this morning from the most wonderful dream. I was in this cute small (Gilmore Girls -esque) town and I was interviewing for a teaching position. It was to teach 4th and 5th grade writing (my dream job!). They wanted me to start right away....The teachers and principal were laid back, dressed casually, and so warm and inviting. All of the students that I saw were creating something fabulous. The principal was telling me wonderful things about my teaching and my interactions with the children. She was saying that she had it set up for a student teacher to follow me for the rest of this year and another one for next year because she knew i enjoyed teaching college students too. It was as if this principal could speak directly to my heart longings. then...I woke up. I was seriously sad. And then a panic attack settled in. It has been a while. No need for the details, but it was bad. It took me nearly 2 hours to get myself out of the house because I thought I was going to die.

It is almost as if my body can sense that a break is coming up. It is just shutting down a few days too soon. I am starved for some books, magazines, journaling, making movies on my computer, and mostly alone time without reality television. I am taking a train on Saturday to see my mom. It will be 4 and half hours of pure alone time bliss. I do hope to add some sanity with the much needed reflection time.

the learning curve is steep

The year is almost half over...at least on January 15th it will be. I can't believe i am still alive. There were times when it was touch and go there.

The processing of the journey has been slowed down by reality television. I am serious. I don't seem to allow my brain to function at any level other than sucking up some "Tila Tequila smut tv". (if you know the show I speak of, you my friend are guilty too. :) ) I am just so exhausted and seemingly unable to talk, move, or even change my clothes. The trend has been that I come home, fall to the couch, cover up, grab the clicker and wait for my dear husband to come home and wait on me. I normally don't even make it to bed for the night, dangerous and unhealthy yes, but by 6:00 pm, I had been up and working for 11 hours so I am whooped. So, I told myself I needed to fix this situation and I did, I forced myself to go to a 2 hour yoga class last night in the bitter, icy cold. Two hours is a long time to be quiet with oneself when you haven't been for more than 2 minutes in quite some time. Ah, just enough time for the processing to begin.

I am beginning to realize the depth that culture shock can go. My students are more complicated than I could have ever guessed until getting to know them. I have student who is a good kid, but chooses to act out in crazy ways: write "fuck" on someones bathroom stick, leave the room without asking, punch another student in the arm, and just be plain defiant. Now, plenty of my children do these behaviors everyday, but with this particular student it seems a bit out of character. Finally, 5 months into school he shares with me that his dad was shot and killed in June. He is so angry. He told me today that he goes to bed angry and wakes up angry. Now it was his stepfather was killed, but his real father is in jail and has been for quite some time. I was able to get him to open up a bit about the details, his feelings, and fears. He shared the details about the day his father was shot and I was surprised how clear, even down to what he had for lunch that day his memory was. He shared his fears that his man will come after him one day too, and his disappointment that people continue to let him down.

We also talked about what his dreams were and why that was important. He told me he wanted to work at a gym like his grandfather and train people (if playing in the NFL didn't work out). I asked if he was able to go to the gym and visit his grandfather at work. He said that his grandfather tells him he can, but never actually follows through with it. Seriously, if i had been let down time after time and disappointment was the norm, how angry would I be? To me, it almost becomes justified. But still, I wanted to talk to see if he could get past the disappointments, killings and jail times, did he see any other possibilities for his future? After much of my yammering, I decided to be quiet for a minute and he looks up at me and says, "yeah, because sometimes dreams actually do come true."

oh Lord. It was hard to not cry. So much of the conversation ripped at my insides.

In one breath, I felt like I was right where I needed to be. But in the next hour another child had decided to lay on the floor, bang his head on the wall and cry when he did not get his way, while another ripped the phone off the wall when I was trying to call his mother, while yet another one decided to proclaim to the class that he didn't believe in God and everyone else decided it was their job to act like a Sunday morning preacher, there was a lot yelling and "oh, no you didn't" at the child who decided 5 minutes before the end of the day on Friday was a good time to proclaim that he was an atheist, and all the while I knew in the back of my head that the holiday party for work was that night and I wasn't going because the people I work with are like being in High School all over again and I feel too old and tired to deal with that.

It just may be that there will only be a handful of those "i am right where I need to be" moments this entire year and I will have to hold on tightly to them to keep me going until I feel it is time to move on.

For Now

A few weekends ago Scott and I went to see Avenue Q. I wasn't thrilled, it was Scott's choice. I am not a fan of anything with puppets so I wasn't sure what to expect. I will say that after further review, I thought it was incredible. While it was certainly an R/NC-17 rating for a super long uncomfortable puppet sex scene as well as many other moments that I was so happy I wasn't with my parents watching it, it had such a sweet message and was truly delightful. There was a song at the end that I can't seem to get out of my head. It describes my life so well and helps me manage the hell that I sometimes feel i am living in. I mutter under my breath the chorus many times a day...

PRINCETON:
Why does everything have to be so hard?

GARY COLEMAN:
Maybe you'll never find your purpose.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
Lots of people don't.

PRINCETON:
But then- I don't know why I'm even alive!

KATE MONSTER:
Well, who does, really?
Everyone's a little bit unsatisfied.

BRIAN:
Everyone goes 'round a little empty inside.

GARY COLEMAN:
Take a breath,
Look around,

BRIAN:
Swallow your pride,

KATE MONSTER:
For now...

BRIAN, KATE, GARY, CHRISTMAS EVE:
For now...

NICKY:
Nothing lasts,

ROD:
Life goes on,

NICKY:
Full of surprises.

ROD:
You'll be faced with problems of all shapes and sizes.

CHRISTMAS EVE:
You're going to have to make a few compromises...
For now...

TREKKIE MONSTER:
For now...


But only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now! (For now)
Only for now!

Only for now!
(For now there's life!)
Only for now!
(For now there's love!)
Only for now!
(For now there's work!)
For now there's happiness!
But only for now!
(For now discomfort!)
Only for now!
(For now there's friendship!)
Only for now (For now!)
Only for now!

Only for now! (Sex!)
Is only for now! (Your hair!)
Is only for now! (George Bush!)
Is only for now!

Don't stress,
Relax,
Let life roll off your backs
Except for death and paying taxes,
Everything in life is only for now!

since suicide has been put on hold, here are some things I would like to do in my Life.

So it seems that since I have not yet driven off of a bridge, I will (finally) post my life list. There are supposed to be 100 things, but I only got to 70 or so. There will have to be a part 2. You can view it here as well.

1. Learn to Salsa dance and do it often
2. Re-learn to speak Spanish and be able to speak it fluently then...
3. Return to Spain
4. Learn to speak Italian--just a little and then...
5. Return to Italy and...
6. Spend an entire week in my favorite place in the world: Vernazza
7. Take lots of pictures
8. Take a photography class
9. Make a website for my photographs
10. Write more
11. Get a piece of my writing published
12. Have a baby
13. Adopt a child
14. Go to the beach at least two times a year
15. Have people over for dinner more often, especially my neighbors
16. Teach college classes
17. Go back to school
18. Pay off student loans
19. Work at a book store
20. Work at Starbucks
21. Pray everyday
22. Get to know God again
23. Go to yoga at least once a week
24. Travel to Australia
25. Travel to Lebanon and take my grandparents
26. Go to Africa and hold African babies
27. Get my PhD
28. Learn to use chopsticks
29. Use my MacBook to make more movies
30. Live in a small town
31. Open a bed and breakfast with my husband
32. Read all the books on my bookshelf
33. Create my webpage
34. Write letters to my far away friends
35. Get a massage at least once a week
36. Get over my body issues for real and for good
37. Volunteer at the Sundance Film Festival
38. Help people plan their travel adventures
39. Journal
40. Watch less reality television
41. Find a job that I love
42. See all of the movies up for an Oscar
43. See Rusted Root in concert once a year to dance and get my ya ya's out
44. Find people who appreciate me for who I am
45. Appreciate and love myself for who I am
46. Have a best girlfriend, like the ones I had in college
47. Get another tattoo
48. and then another!
49. Worry less about what other people think
50. Take my vitamins EVERY day.
51. Decorate our very own Christmas tree
52. Create lots of super silly fun traditions with our children
53. Judge other people less
54. Color my hair
55. Read more
56. Feel guilty less
57. Get off of a plane, pick up my luggage and spontaneously go back to the ticket counter and get on another plane.
(my husband's dream, but I love it too!)
58. Let people in even though they disappoint me.
59. Dream again even though my dreams failed me.
60. Risk again even though risk has led to heartache.
61. Play poker again
62. Make new friends
63. Make a "God Box" and put my prayers in it and then--let go!
64. Hold on to hope not fear
65. Quit smoking, for real. forever.
66. Watch my husband fulfill his dreams in improv/comedy
67. Support him in his dream to make others laugh
68. Get to see him become incredibly successful at it.
69. Encourage him to at least try out for SNL
70. Find places to hike in PA, oh how I miss CO for that.
71. Take a road trip north...canada, maine, boston
72. Start a book and finish it in a weekend
73. Get dining room table and use it at least once or twice a month, even if it is just Scott and I.
74. Find another job teaching that isn't exactly teaching in the traditional sense
75. Wake up each day excited to head off to work
76. Find someone who I can pay to clean my house so I can spend more time enjoying life (at least while I am working...)
77. Knit again, even though my knitting girls are so far away.
78. Learn to knit something other than a scarf
79.

Some of these I am really struggling with...I have an addiction to reality tv and it is hard to break. I am not doing so well with the "worry less about what other people think" with my 10 year HS reunion coming up this week. (Another story for another entry).
But...I did go hiking and I did take pictures. I also got my hair colored last week and supported Scott at his first real improv show in the burgh!

Make a list, it helps...especially if you are sad.